It had been a bad Age. Anyone looking out from the tower of Barad-d�r could tell that. First, there had been the disembodiment of her husband, which had been a real setback in both her sex life, and her desire to have a child. Try as you might, there�s no hope of conceiving when your only partner is a gigantic fiery lidless eye. She had found that out the hard way, after countless burned labia and negative pregnancy tests. Next, no one could find the damned ring that was supposed to ensure their invincibility. She had had half a mind to just go look for it herself, but was never time, the way her husband fussed at her. Telepathically.

What the hell kind of tea is this?

�It�s chamomile. Why, what�s the matter?�

This isn�t what I wanted, it tastes like shit.

�You can�t even taste it.�

Don�t contradict me, Gayawen. You know what I mean. I wanted Tension Tamers, it helps me relax.

�Chamomile does that.�

Look, I wanted Tension Tamers, ok? How fucking hard is that? There�s a picture of a girl sitting on a dragon right there on the box, you can�t fucking miss it.

�All right, all right, jeez. I�ll get you the fucking Tension Tamers.�

Who�d have thought the Lord of Darkness would have had a temper? In the end, she�d just poured some water over him to get him to shut up. Not that it worked . . .

Would it kill you to sympathize with me a little? Just a little? This isn�t easy for me, you know. I was supposed to be ruling the goddamn universe by now.

She couldn�t resist telling him she�d told him so. �I mean really, a ring? A ring? Do you know how many rings I�ve lost this Age alone? They slip off in the shower, fall back behind the dresser . . .�

I told you, it was supposed to be a magical ring. This one is supposed to call to me; it�s like a dog, it will always come back to its master. You watch.

�Well, it sure is taking its sweet time.�

Shut up, ok? I�ve got a headache. And don�t you dare tell me I haven�t got a head.

She refrained from telling him that her biological clock was ticking. He�d only laugh at her. Again.

It wasn�t supposed to be this way. After all, the last Age had been just lovely. Better than she could have imagined, really. Well, it hadn't started perfectly. And, she had reflected, no one's childhood is perfect, is it? Unless you're an elf.

She snorted. No, braiding flowers into her hair under the shade of a tree in Lothlorien was not her destiny. She had always known she wasn�t meant to live the life of quiet introspection singular to the elves. Her stupid mother had seen to that.

Gayawen. The name she had given herself was Gayawen. All little elf-maidens had been named after flowers and stars, and had grown up loved and cherished by beautiful doting mothers. When her own mother had forsaken her, she cast off the name she had been born with. In retrospect, Gayawen thought she might have behaved a little hysterically, especially since she�d never intended to stay in Lothlorien anyway. But she had been more indoctrinated with Elvish ways then, and that was the way of her kind, if you could even call them that anymore. Now that she thought of it, she was inclined to think that most Elves were a little melodramatic about things like that anyway. Always going to extremes or falling to pieces over the littlest things. Bunch of moony, lavender-eyed drama queens.

Not, Gayawen told herself sternly, that this was the reason she had been so keen to annihilate them when her husband waged his last little war. If they wanted to go on swooning over crumbled lambas, let them. It was just that she thought they should honor their bargain. If they said they would wear those bloody rings without reading the fine print about being in Sauron�s control for all eternity, well, that wasn�t very fair, now was it? Gayawen was of the decided opinion that they should be made to pay for their unscrupulous dealing, and if that meant running through members of her former kin, so be it. She was certainly up for a little revenge after the torment of her youth.

She was feeling a little bloodthirsty at the thought of all the vengeance she was missing out on because of that stupid ring. She was considering calling in an orc and then killing it for her own amusement when he was there again in her mind.

Gayawen, get up here!

I was just going to kill an orc, she thought back.

This is more important.

It was no use to argue. He didn�t normally mentally compel her to do things if she resisted, but she knew from past experience that he was not above such tactics.

Gayawen, do that sexy dance you used to do.

�Sauron, you know there�s no point. You can�t do anything when you get turned on, and then you start taking your frustrations out on me.�

I said do the dance.

�No. Because it frustrates me too, not having a husband who can satisfy me.�

Clearly that had been the wrong thing to say, because the next thing she knew, she was performing an extremely sensual strip-tease against her will.

�You�re really a prick, Sauron, you know that?�

That was when he took away her ability to speak.

She resigned herself to obeying him and dragging herself up to the top of the tower where her husband was waiting. She could tell right away that something exciting must have happened, because he was glowing more brightly than usual.

Guess what?

�Oh, you�re so cute when you�re all excited like this,� she cooed, giving the eye a quick kiss before it burned her lips.

Come on, he thought, glowing a little brighter. Guess.

�Um . . . you�ve offed Isildor�s heir?�

Nope. Better.

�Ooo. You�ve . . . turned the last living Elf into an orc? Besides me?�

Gayawen, you�re not even trying.

�Just tell me you found the ring.�

We found the ring!

Gayawen screamed. �Oh my god! Ohmigod-ohmigod-ohmigod! Honey, that�s wonderful! Can I see it?�

There was an uncomfortable silence where his mind should have been.

�Honey?�

Well, he thought, squirming in her mind. Well, we don�t have it here, per se, but we know where it is.

�Where?�

Well, it�s with this hobbit.

�Hobbit? What the hell�s a hobbit?�

Um, a halfling, I think they also call them?

�OK, what�s a Halfling?�

Look, I�m not really sure, OK? They�re small. They�re kind of like the men, but they�re short and hairy.

�Like Dwarves, you mean?�

No, if I meant a Dwarf, I would have said it was a fucking Dwarf. She could tell he was getting testy because she was asking questions instead of oohing and ahhing the way he�d wanted her to.

�OK, OK, I�m sorry, I just don�t know what you mean.�

They live in holes and eat a lot, and � you know what? It doesn�t matter. It doesn�t fucking matter, because I know what they are and the wraiths know what they are, and as soon as they-

�Oh, honey, you�re deploying the wraiths? That�s wonderful!�

See? You didn�t let me get to the good part before you had to ask all those questions, did you?

�I�m sorry. Look, that�s great that the wraiths are going out. You must have gotten a great lead.�

Yeah we did. We found this little deformed thing creeping around just outside the Misty Mountain raving like a lunatic, so the orcs brought it in for questioning.

�What made them do that?�

It was going on and on about its precious, its birthday present, I don�t know. I guess it must have said �ring� at some point, so the orcs brought it in.

�Wow, that�s a lucky break.�

You�re telling me. Anyway, the boys have been down in the fiery pits torturing it all week about when it last had the ring and where he saw it, stuff like that. -

�And what did it say?�

�Baggins� and �Shire.� I guess that's the name of the halfling that took the ring from it, and the Shire is the place that it lives.

Baggins? Shire? That was all? Frankly, she didn�t that was much to get excited over. She had never even heard of the Shire before, and for all she knew, there could be hundreds of halflings named Baggins. She herself had known six Elenmir's growing up, but he was happy, and she didn�t want to spoil it for him.

�Oh, sweetie! That�s great! It really is! When do the wraiths go out?�

Tomorrow. We�re outfitting them with these really neat death horses, top of the line. They still can�t really see but they can sense it, and, you know, sense stuff around them. But not like see see things. He sounded nervous.

�Don�t worry, they�ll be fine. The wraiths have been doing this for a long time now. You�ve got to trust them. You can�t do it all yourself, Sauron.�

I know, but -

�No buts. You work too hard. You�ll be a mess when you rule the universe at this rate.�

He glowed brighter still. She mentally kicked herself for that last, too-extravagant bit of praise, and resisted the urge to voice all the uncertainties that were crowding her brain. She was running out of things to say, and the questions she longed to ask burned the back of her throat. Even Sauron could sense that the conversation was becoming strained.

So. . .

"So, when do I get to see these death horses?"

Oh, right now if you want. They're downstairs somewhere. The Nazg�l are all excited; you should go see them.

He could tell how disappointed she was, she could sense it.

"Great. Well, um, do you want anything while I'm downstairs?"

No, no, he replied, squirming again. You just, um, enjoy yourself then, OK?

"Sure. Be back in a flash."

She was already on the stairs when his mind caught her, holding her in a mental embrace.

Gayawen?

"Yes, Sauron?"

I love you.

She dashed back to kiss the eye again before she left, flying down the stairs two at a time.