Andagora stretched, settling herself into the cushioned divan. Over the Ages, she had grown disused to the sensation of snuggling into cushioned furniture on a regular basis. Sauron only granted them these hazy forms when he was feeling generous; which hadn�t been often lately. Andagora had always felt dismayed when he reduced her and the others to shimmering black clouds of mist that hovered agitatedly throughout the rocky, lightless caverns beneath Barad-d�r. Gayawen had told her before that Sauron kept them formless sometimes out of spite.

�He�s like a five year-old, really! �If I don�t get to have body, no one gets to have a body!� I think he�d turn me into a mist too, if he could.�

Well, it keeps the Nine confused about which little mist cloud is me, anyway. Andagora had thought to her. One of them has been trying to woo the Witch-King all morning. It�s hilarious. I didn�t have the heart to correct him.

�More like you were too heartless to correct him!� Gayawen giggled, and the two had laughed.

Andagora smirked at the memory, glorying for a moment in the softness of the divan. Gayawen cocked her head and look at her friend quizzically.

�It�s your furniture,� Andagora answered the unspoken question. �It�s so cushiony, it reminds me of when I was a princess. I was just thinking how good it feels to have some sort of form to lounge about in.�

Gayawen smiled, handing her a cup of Tension Tamers. �Well, soon you�ll have that luxury all the time. You must be excited to be going out again.�

�You have no idea. You know, I think the last time I really had fun was the last battle?�

�Well, I think that goes without saying.�

�Not,� Andagora put in quickly. �That we haven�t had fun ourselves. You know, just us girls.�

�No, that�s true. But you have to admit that it hasn�t been particularly . . .exhilarating.�

�Well, no,� Andagora admitted truthfully. �I don�t know, I just get all worked up about battles. There�s something about smiting your enemies that�s just really satisfying.�

Gayawen took a thoughtful sip of her tea. �You know what I miss most?�

�Your husband�s body?�

Gayawen tossed her a contemptuous look. �My dragon.�

�Ohh, Delgirith?�

�Mm hmm. Oh, he was so beautiful, with his wings and his tail . . .�

Andagora gave a raspy giggle. �Remember how Sauron flipped out when he realized you gave him an Elvish name?�

�Yes!� Gayawen laughed. �He was stomping all over the courtyard in front of the Black Gates shouting, �My reputation! What the hell have you done! You�ve fucking ruined me!��

�And then you tried to change the name, but Delgirith wouldn�t respond to anything else.�

�I used to feed him misbehaving orcs.�

�And Sauron would freak out about the dragon crap on top of the tower.�

The pair chuckled a bit at the memory before Gayawen stopped abruptly, frowning. �I will never forgive,� she said, in a voice of steel. �The bastard that killed him. And if I ever figure out who it was, I�ll tear them limb for limb!�

Her vengeance was curtailed by a knock at the door, and both Elf and Wraith sat bolt upright.

�Who the hell could that be?� Gayawen whispered.

�I don�t know,� Andagora hissed back. �That�s just too weird.�

Early in their courtship, Gayawen had wheedled this small tower room from Sauron for her own. No one was to enter it without her express permission, and no one was ever to seek entry while she was in it. It was her sanctuary, and until now, no one had dared to knock on the door.

�Um, who is it?� Gayawen called out. The door swung open to reveal a tall, muscled warrior clad unsurprisingly in black. He strode purposefully into the room, making what he thought was a courtly bow. Both women thought he looked like a perfect ass. He drew himself up and inclined his head towards them.

�Ladies.�

Gayawen, over her shock, rose from her seat, flinging her teacup against the wall where it shattered. �What the fuck do you think you�re doing in here?�

The warrior smirked. �I formally request your presence-�

�Oh no!� Gayawen shrieked. �Don�t you dare start that crap, Mouth! What the hell made you think you could just barge in here like this? I don�t remember giving you permission to enter.�

The warrior blanched. �Um, but you said ��

�I said �who is it,� not �come right in.� Oh, Mouth, you�re really in shit this time.� She cackled evilly. �I have been waiting for this for Ages.�

The warrior swallowed audibly, unaware that his knees shook. �Uh, please, I really don�t think ��

�Obviously you didn�t think,� Gayawen said coldly as she slowly drew nearer to him. �Using the first person on me, as if I was actually to obey anything you say, dog. Andagora?� She added, over her shoulder.

Andagora rose like fog on a moor, laying it on as thickly as she could. �Yes, my lady?�

Gayawen smiled a thin smile. �Andagora attend. You shall have the privilege of seeing the Mouth of Sauron chastised by his master.�

Andagora gave a little bow to hide the fit of laugher she was suppressing. �Indeed my lady,� she replied, snorting a little despite herself. �It is an honor.�

Gayawen reached up and grabbed the warrior�s ear in a sudden move, and began to drag him to the stair. Andagora followed, gliding along like a silent ghost. As they ascended, Gayawen pinched the Mouth�s ear tighter.

�I don�t even know why Sauron keeps you around. You must have done something to deserve his favor, but damned if I know what it was.�

The Mouth of Sauron winced. �Please don�t hurt me.�

�You�re pathetic.�

They had reached the top of the tower. Gayawen pushed open the door to reveal her husband in all his fiery glory.

�Sauron!� she snapped. �What the hell is he doing conscious again?�

The eye sent her the feeling of a shrug. Well, I figured if I�m getting the ring back, I should also prepare for an all-out war of annihilation with the free peoples of Middle Earth, and he scares people.

�He�s a useless sycophant.�

Gayawen, he thought patiently. We�ve been over this. It�s easier for me to project words into his head and have him say them than it is for me to project them to everyone who might be on the battle field. Besides, I was thinking of just going and attacking some time in the beginning of March, regardless of whether I have the ring back by then. Which means I�ll need some one to lead the �

�You have the Witch-king,� she interrupted, cringing a little as he automatically sent her the sensation of grinding teeth.

To lead the defensive army here, he ploughed on. They mustn�t penetrate the gates.

�Why on earth would they attack us here? They�re all scared shitless of you, they�d wet themselves before they�d come here. Not after the last time when you almost killed them all. They'd never try that tactic again, especially since they'll be too busy trying to keep us from overrunning their-�

It has come to my attention, Sauron thought smugly. That that dottering fool Ol�rin �

�Who?�

Mithrandir, I think your kind called him. He�s a Maia, one of the Istari. I gave him a ring, for fuck�s sake, but he was the one who convinced the Elves that I was too evil to pay homage to.

�Oh. Go on.�

I will, the eye smirked. At any rate, Ol�rin, who is calling himself �Gandalf the Grey� right now, of all ridiculous things, has been meddling around with my ring. Apparently, he�s a real student of these hobbit-thingies, and spends a lot of time in the Shire. Curun�r seems to think he might know this Baggins hobbit. Of course, Curun�r has no idea I know that Baggins has the ring. He just suspects Ol�rin might know where to find all these hobbits, and he knows for sure that Ol�rin�s interested in getting the ring.

�Ha!� Gayawen snickered. �Bet Mithrandir can�t stand the idea of being the last Maia on Middle Earth without a bit of power. Lot of good that ring does him now without you to back it up.�

Well, technically, as an Istari, he can control magic. Be he holds no position among men, not like Curun�r.

�I thought you and Curun�r weren�t speaking to each other.�

Well we weren�t. He and I always got on well enough, but when I didn�t give him a ring, he got all pissy and turned on me. I swear, he joined the others just out of spite. Anyway, I caught him looking in the palantir not long ago, and we worked things out. I told him if he wanted a ring to just kill Ol�rin and take his. I�ve got no more use for him, that dumb shit.

�Um, what does this have to do with the Mouth?�

Oh, well I was talking to Curun�r yesterday � he�s got a whole new name and color thing going on too, Saruman the White, how gay is that? Anyway �

�Sauron, you know I don�t like it when you use the term �gay� in a derogatory manner. �

Sorry, but I didn�t mean it like that. I actually think he�s gay. I mean, �The White?� He always had a yen for the shiny, and he was awfully fond of Ulmo. A little too fond.

�Anyway . . .�

Yeah, anyway, Curun�r was saying how Ol�rin mentioned that if he could get my ring, he wouldn�t use it.

�He wouldn�t? What is he, on crack?�

He�d throw it into Mount Doom.

�What?! That�s crazy talk, then none of the rings would have any power at all! They'd all have to diminish and go into the West. Has he gone mad?�

Apparently. So obviously, we can�t let anyone in Mordor this time. No prisoners, nothing. We kill everyone and anything that comes within a furlong of that gate, and search them to make sure they don�t have my ring. That�s why I want a defensive army here. If Ol�rin convinces the elves and the men to barge their way in here to destroy the ring while our whole army is out laying waste to their stupid white city, we�re fucked. So I need the Mouth here to lead the defenses.

�OK, Mr. Hard-sell. The Mouth can live. But if you ever send him into me again, or if he ever addresses me in first-person ��

He what? The eye swiveled to fix on the Mouth, who promptly wet himself. Excuse me a moment, darling. Andagora. Both women stepped instinctively back as the eye began to glow brighter, transfixing the Mouth. Gayawen didn�t even want to know what Sauron was telling the man, whose eyes had begun to bug. When the Mouth began screaming, the brightness subsided. The Mouth dropped to his knees and kissed Gayawen�s feet.

�Pardon, my lady,� he wept, blubbering. �Pardon! Pardon! I beseech thee!�

Gawaywen kicked him squarely in the chin. �Next time I�ll toss you out the nearest window, and to hell with what my husband says!� She winked at Andagora and the eye. �Now out of my sight . . .minion!� The Mouth shuffled quickly to the door, just before Andagora collapsed in giggles. "Ooh!" Gayawen squealed. "I just love that word. 'Minion!'"

�Sauron,� Andagora rasped. �That was just priceless. You�ve reminded me why I got into this game in the first place.� The eye glowed a little at her praise.

Thanks, Andagora. Look, could you try to keep those guys in line this time? You heard what I said about Ol�rin. I can�t afford any fuck ups.

�No problem. Now, if you�ll excuse me, I have a death-horse to curry.� She glided to the door, squeezing Gayawen�s hand quickly as she left husband and wife alone on the windblown tower.